You know those kids who yell and scream and jump up and down when their parents won’t let them have candy, because they’ve already had too much of it today and it’s not good for them, but they don’t care and they still want more anyway?
You know those people who work themselves to death so that they can get as much money as possible, even though they don’t really need it? How even though they know it’s unhealthy and they shouldn’t be doing it, ultimately they can’t bring themselves to stop because they can’t be happy as long as they know they could be making more money?
I pity them so, in my heart.
They have such a desperate longing for something. In healthy quantities, desire drives people to achieve. But these people? They have an unhealthy desire. They’ll never be able to get enough of it to satisfy themselves. They may be aware of the fact, but they just can’t help it. It consumes their lives, and ensures that they’ll never be happy.
But I am the same as them.
I want people to consider me highly intelligent, and I want them to respect and admire me for it. I always get a kick out of it, every time one of my friends introduces me to one of their friends and talks about my academic “achievements”. I feel like I can never get enough of that, and that ultimately I will always feel like a failure because, the further I move ahead in life, the more people I will meet who will make me feel stupid in comparison. Whether in academia or in industry. And that I’ll be unhappy because I’ll feel like a failure, then.
And even though I’ve recognized that I have this problem, I don’t know what to do about it. Maybe enough exposure will cure me of it. But what if it doesn’t?
This is my curse.